‘He’s Chopped’: ASTI Reacts to Student’s Mullet

The best thing that a person can do for their appearance is to get an amazing haircut. ASTI senior Benjamin “Benji” Kapelke took the opposite approach- he decided to get a musty mullet. Peers and teachers alike have taken notice, and nearly everybody agrees that he's more than likely cooked for at least the near future. Benji walked into his barbershop in early November as a hopeful man. He had been told by many that his hair had become too grown out, and he was ready for a fresh look. “I watched a bunch of Tik Toks the night before, to prepare. I took screenshots of the ones I liked the most,” Benji revealed in a depressing interview. “After weighing my options, I thought I would rock what they called a ‘burst fade mullet.’” He said as much to his barber, who went to work right away, shaving the sides of Benji's head so that the hair that remained looked like a particularly ugly and unkempt highway running down his noggin. Regardless, even as he was leaving the barber shop, Benji had hope for the future, and thought to himself that maybe his new look would earn him some popularity points among ASTI's young bachelorettes. In reality, he was dead wrong. Senior Wallace Ruan was the first student to see Benji in his new form, and he was startled beyond belief. “He looked like Baby Gronk,” Wally remembered, traumatized. “I remember saying out loud, ‘You look chopped,’” reflected senior Cassadina, who was also one of the first students to lay her eyes on the monstrosity. His peers weren’t the only ones with opinions on the senior’s new hair- ASTI staff were also taken aback by the dramatic transformation. “I don’t love it,” said Mr. Hans. “He’s had better haircuts. Haircuts are hard, you know?” “When I ran into Mr. Hans that first day,” Benji reflected to us, visibly shaking, “he took one look at me and said with that big, booming voice of his, ‘Benji! What happened! Was it a dare?’ His voice echoed through the portables and everyone was suddenly looking at me and covering their mouths. That's when I knew I'd made a massive mistake.” When asked about the haircut, other ASTI teachers had to take a second to find the correct words. "Well, I don't know,” Ms. McCoy told us, while Benji helplessly watched on. “I’m not a fan.” Ms. Balic seemed disturbed even thinking about the subject. “Oh gosh,” she exclaimed in response to our reporters, before putting her face in her hands. “Just why?” Though most of the school thinks Benji’s mullet is hideous, he is not without his few supporters. “Everytime Benji comes near me with his haircut, I feel a sense of calm,” said James Dong of DONG Interviews. Surprisingly, this seems to be a sentiment echoed by a lot of Benji’s male classmates: the Journalism Statistics Team found that over half of the male student body “didn’t mind” the haircut, while a resounding 23% even said that they “liked” it. Unfortunately for Benji, these numbers didn’t carry over to his female classmates: an estimated 0% of ASTI girls like Benji’s mullet, and nearly a third consider even glancing at it “indescribably painful.” Benji’s biggest hater of all is junior Oscar A., who Benji explains was one of the first of his peers to express their discontent with the situation on his head. “I tried to avoid Oscar. I really did. But I couldn’t hide forever, and the second he saw me, he got this smug look on my face, and I was in big trouble.” We sat Benji and Oscar down together at Jollibee’s to discuss Oscar’s beef with Benji’s haircut, and it didn’t take long for things to heat up. “You guys know who Helen Keller is, right?” Oscar asked. “Imagine if you gave her a razor blade and just chucked her at Benji. I feel like that would be better than the result, honestly.” He then looked Benji directly into his eyes, and provided some heartfelt advice. “Fire your barber. I feel kind of bad.” Though his words may have been harsh, we hope Benji has learned his lesson from the response the haircut has received, and that he will get a more acceptable haircut as soon as he is able.