Lessons from my Father

“My dad was the best man that I ever knew. I know I’m biased but I never knew any other person that worked as hard as he did while caring as much as he did, he taught me what it means to be a man.” Mr. Long’s dad was named Timothy and he raised his family in Dixon, CA. Every day he would wake up at 5:30 am, drop his wife off at work, and then commute to Walnut Creek, where he worked as a software engineer. After work, he’d come home, eat dinner, and then make time for his children. Despite being tired, he would play sports with his son and tutor his daughter in math. He even made time to be the head coach of Mr. Long’s baseball and basketball teams. “I always admired how he took care of everything that needed fixing or improving in the household and how he paid for our expenses - including supporting my mom through online college, which was a new thing back then.” As a software engineer, he had a comfortable salary, so he was able to provide all the resources needed for his children to be successful in school. “We were often the first household in my school to own new technology, such as a computer, non dial-up internet, and laser disc players. However, my father wasn’t a materialistic man, he just wanted the best for my mom, my sister, and I.” While Mr. Long’s dad would always upgrade his family’s phones to the newest model out, he would use a worn out and outdated model for himself. Another example of his selective frugality was when he would take his family to Borders bookstore. “I remember we would spend hours at Borders because instead of constantly purchasing the new coding language book that my dad needed to learn for work, he would just read the book in the aisle…while my mom would wait, somewhat embarrassed, and me and my sister would run all around the bookstore looking to see what new books or cd’s they had.” One of Mr. Long’s core memories of his father was him saying “You can control every aspect of your life. If something goes wrong, it’s because you didn’t plan well enough.” While Tim was able to control a lot and did a lot of things right in his life, there were times when his need for control felt overwhelming for his family. For example, it was Mr. Long’s mom’s dream to go to Paris. She even learned French and every room of the household had at least one Paris themed decoration. When Mr. Long was in Middle School, his dad was able to fulfill her dream and take them and her parents to Paris. His mom was ecstatic, however, most of Mr. Long’s memory of that vacation was his father rushing them around everywhere, sometimes through the rain, so they could see all the sights he had planned on the agenda. “He was always in a rush, and it was often stressful to my mom and us. Even on my school breaks I could never sleep in because my dad would wake me up to go to a family event or to run an errand.” “Looking back on it, my father had a big impact on my decision to go to school in Santa Barbara. Firstly because whenever the weather got too hot in Dixon, which was very often, my dad would drive us to Stinson Beach to enjoy the cool weather, which I loved. But also because after I turned 18, I no longer wanted to feel “controlled” by anyone. So I went to a school that was 6 hours away.” As his primary male role model, Mr. Long thought that being a man meant you had to be independent and take care of everything yourself without relying on anyone else. So after he graduated high school, living at home wasn’t an option. “In my first year of college in Santa Barbara, my father would call me every day, often multiple times a day, consecutively…This was extremely annoying to me and he could tell I was annoyed by the tone in my voice when I would hang up. However that didn’t stop him from immediately calling right back to bring up something else he wanted to remind me of or prepare me for. Over time, the calls became less frequent and I took that as a sign that I was becoming a man.” This feeling persisted and culminated in Mr. Long graduating with his Master’s in Education from UC Davis and deciding that he didn’t need his parents present at the ceremony. “Looking back on it, I still feel terrible when I recall the look of devastation when I told my parents that I had already graduated and didn’t invite them to the ceremony.” Mr. Long had a similar sense of remorse later in his life after being a teacher for many years. “I was working at an arts based high school that I loved and without notice the superintendent and director of secondary education got us all in the lunch room and told us that they were going to recommend to close our school in 2 months. This was around the same time that my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. At the time, I felt like two things that I loved were being taken away from me and I chose to focus my attention on the one thing I thought I could control - the closure of my school. I put all my thoughts and energy into it, and although the movement to keep the school open was eventually a success, I always regretted not spending more time with my dad and my family before he passed away.” In reflecting on his dad’s life, Mr. Long was impressed with his father’s ability to manage and control so many aspects of his life (and others) but equally as impressive was his father’s ability to give up control and allow him to be his own man. “I know it was hard for my dad because of his personality. And ironically when the day came when I truly had to be my own man, I immediately missed having my dad to rely on and call in case of emergency or when I needed advice. But at the same time I know my dad was always proud of me for being independent, and as I got older I realized that he was only controlling in my childhood out of love and when I became an adult, he also gave up control out of love. And a man has the power to do both - to be both forceful (and strong) yet understanding (and soft).” Mr. Long learned a lot about what’s important in life from his father, his father’s last words to him were, “All that matters are your friends, family, and community.” Mr. Long tries to let that sentiment and the values he learned from his father guide him today. “(When I was about) four years old, we saved enough money in Green Stamps to order a stuffed bear for my birthday. I had to give it a name, and Timothy came to mind. That’s right, named after our very own cousin, Timothy Long. (He was) a loving, caring cousin who took the time to talk and play with the little ones like me; a teddy bear of a figure that made us all feel comfortable.” - Mr. Long’s Dad’s Cousin